LOL gotta love humor, people send my funny shit in my email all the time todays bust a gut laugh was from this one. what a round about way to get to the point
The Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
LOL
got this in my email and loved it. As someone who's not overly fond of dogs (still a little leery of anything than barks and bites) the first one is my most favorite.
Apparently these are excerpts from some UK classifieds:
You have to appreciate British humor!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!.
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel.
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 GAY bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is… ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
And by the way: Statement of the Century
From the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker, Billy Connolly:
"If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Apparently these are excerpts from some UK classifieds:
You have to appreciate British humor!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!.
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel.
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 GAY bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is… ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
And by the way: Statement of the Century
From the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker, Billy Connolly:
"If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Monday, July 11, 2011
OOPS
see more funny videos, and check out our Yo Dawg lols!
LOL someone should have probably thought that out beforehand
BOOKS!!
So I've decided to read my way thru my book collection. To anyone who has seen my collection yes I realize that it will take me forever. :) I own alot of books, probably in the thousands. I've been reading and collecting since I was in highschool.
Since I'm bored i thought I'd review some of the books as i read them and decide what to do. Some of the ones that I've outgrown or just dont like (I havent even read all them cause I tend to buy in bulk) :) some I will sell on ebay and most will be kept.I will be using this as a way to actually count my books. :) Last time i counted like 6 or 7 years ago i had over 3000 books, wonder how much they have multiplied?
First book: Relative attraction by celia Scott.
This book was one of the harlequin romance books that I enjoyed as a teenager.
The writing was ok but I just had trouble getting into the book this time. The characters did not really reach out and grab me. I didnt really feel the emotions of the characters. Found it to be a little dry. This ended up being one for ebay.
count: 1 - ebay
anyone interested in seeing what i have in ebay - http://myworld.ebay.com/shazzump
Since I'm bored i thought I'd review some of the books as i read them and decide what to do. Some of the ones that I've outgrown or just dont like (I havent even read all them cause I tend to buy in bulk) :) some I will sell on ebay and most will be kept.I will be using this as a way to actually count my books. :) Last time i counted like 6 or 7 years ago i had over 3000 books, wonder how much they have multiplied?
First book: Relative attraction by celia Scott.
This book was one of the harlequin romance books that I enjoyed as a teenager.
The writing was ok but I just had trouble getting into the book this time. The characters did not really reach out and grab me. I didnt really feel the emotions of the characters. Found it to be a little dry. This ended up being one for ebay.
count: 1 - ebay
anyone interested in seeing what i have in ebay - http://myworld.ebay.com/shazzump
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
OOOO FAIL!!!
see more funny videos, and check out our Yo Dawg lols!
too damn funny wonder what they were buying that was labeled that
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Bwaahahaha
Bwaahahaha this woman sure took care of that rude man,,, while being polite.
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
----------
Last updated Wednesday, March 22, 1996
Jonathan Dufour ( jdufour@cs.ucsd.edu)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
----------
Last updated Wednesday, March 22, 1996
Jonathan Dufour ( jdufour@cs.ucsd.edu)
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